december 5 00:27

i've been having trouble with love lately. nobody speaks to me. people fall in love with me, and annoy me and distress me and flatter me and excite me and all that sort of thing. but no one speaks to me. i sometimes think that no one can. UGH. today i was talking to this boy who i've been talking to for a while and i asked him "have you had your first kiss?" and he said "no. i'm awkward" and then I SAID "maybe i could be your first" (we've been with eachother/complicated with eachother for 8 months and NEITHER OF US HAD MADE A MOVE OK?? i was getting sick of it) and he said "that was smooth **applause**" and i physically cringed. you fumbled the bag bruh biggest turn-off ever when people don't reciprocate I WAS TRYING TO GET A CONVERSATION GOINGGG i'm not leaving him though cus i need someone to kiss. i need to have an actual conversation with him to be like ewww then never think abt him again or else im gonan fall for the version of him in my head like can this dude just stop talking??? i literally just wanna hook up and he keeps trying to get to know me like dude shut up??? HOW TF DO I RESPOND TO THAT MESSAGE LIKE.. "thank you *bows*" NO. WTF. i'm gonna respond by emptying a magazine into his face i'm so frustrateeeEEED if i don't have my first real proper kiss by 14 i'll die.

next week imma meet up with that boy and rock his world give him the best damn kiss of his life then i'll finally be able to break up with him. i just screamed into my pillow bc everything came to me at once and i physically couldn’t handle how much i dislike real life men that aren’t my friends i want to rip my face off with my nails and plaster it on the wall

the person i truly want is ayse but it will NEVAAA happen. like i want to rip my hair out and claw my eyes out then smear my blood on the walls why are real men so embarrassing and icky and OH MY GODDDD I WANT TO YELL!! anyway yeah ayse is a fine mf and i need her but we've both chronically friendzoned eachother urghh. last week we went out cus her hairdresser messed the fuck out of her hair and i got to save that bitch you know? soooo.. i stole my dads razor and went to be her savior. but when i got my hands in her hair and we sitting on aoifes kitchen floor doing the dirty work i swear to G-O-D like, i was doing that bzzz-bzzz whatever shit with the razor buuut i was blushing soo harddd man fuckkk. two things i learnt from that day:

• #1 i am definitely a lesbian
• #2 i was born to be a professional hairdresser

we also got boba and yadadadadada WHO CARES! we went to the charity store and i got (drum roll) a F*CKING PARAMORE CD!? i'm the luckiest person alive, basically.

mood right now: drinking alone. im such a recluse. oh well. gulp gulp gulp. and very excited for christmas ;)) my main present is an **ELECTRIC GUITAR** like seriously, i think i would suck at guitar/music in general but i got the look down so i might as well try it out. last year-ish i convinced my parents to get me a ukulele, but i never touch it. i probably should, but like...you try being punk rock with a uke. its impossible. the uke was a stepping stone. a compromise. i wanted an electric guitar. other than that, ill probably buy makeup and other blah blah girly shit.

december 6 14:33

been reading dracula, great book would recommend, I'm only halfway through. I love the characters, though the diary/epistolary style does take some getting used to. today i have to code the rest of this websites pages, and revamp some. i'm super unhappy with how the diary themes look, but the effort man! we'll see.

current creative projects include my ongoing battle jacket patches, and my comic which im too scared to start. maybe ill start it tomorrow. which is what i always say. well see. ive got everything written and planned, i just need to put pen to paper and actually draw the first fuckin page. after the new announcement of a SPIDERVERSE MOVIE?? i'm super pumped about comics. every time i tell myself that i'm dropping my interest in marvel they find a way to get me obsessed again .

no plans for today. gonna play video games and chill cus i have school tmw :// see ya.