Hi, it's the first day of my midterm before exams. I have a lot to say so, warning for bitter sex talk and lack of consent, to my non-existant readers.
I 100% believe i'm a lesbian at this point. It's a thought i've been struggling with as long as I can remember. Mainly last year, I threw myself into a lot of uncomfortable physical situations with men (long-winded way of saying sex, damn) to grasp at any chance of being a straight girl, a la 'well, I did this and that so I couldn't be one, right?!'. Might just be my psychotic need for male validation was just off the charts ever since I knew how to talk. Like, my first relationship was with a guy 7 years older than me FFS. P.S, hope that cunt is in jail. Now, i'm hooking up with all these dodgy irish dudes to repress wet dreams about anime girl tits. (What is wrong with me ðŸ˜ðŸ˜) It pisses me off now that i'm generally OK, or at least not gagging at the thought of being into women AND WOMEN ONLY, I have a lot of regrets concerning this stuff. I wish I could've had my first.. uh.. everything with another girl. (I've never even kissed a girl yet, get on that.)
I'm still on-and-off with the men i'm talking to right now, I guess i'm just using them as a backup relationship until I get into a real relationship? that sounds awful but I can't be assed to try feel sympathy for men anymore. I've been perusing the internet for more hook-ups, even though I have like 2 active partners that I JUST have sex with. That number sounds low, but I guess in the grand scheme of things i'm regularly fucking four people. A lot of my sexual behaviors still come out when I'm doing bad. This third sex-craze-i-have-bipolar-disorder-and-i'm-deranged wave has been the least harmful, imo, but still, I constantly question if I like having all this sex, or if I am slowly making myself feel worse under the guise of indulging and getting my ego boosted for two hours, before stumbling back home in the cold, wet night. I don't open up to my partners emotionally, really. I tell them little lies about myself and curate the exact image of myself I want them to have of me. Keeping them at an arm's length is nice.
Guy #1 is sweet, but I think he's looking to date. But I don't think he'd date me. He's WAY older and i'm sitting there complaning about my third year mocks. I obviously am not really looking to date either, but he's super into the whole ~fake sweet pillow talk~ shit some hook-ups like to do, you know? when you're cuddling and giggling and being (retching) sweet but you're also like I barely know you, you only like me like this because you just came on me (TMI). So it irritates me sometimes, deep down, but I know he probably doesn't take me seriously at all. Guy #2 is a different story. he's not into the fake-sweet stuff either, but lately he's been weirdly cuddly. We've been doing stuff for months now.
I briefly thought about ending things between us, and I still may. there are times where he just does things without really asking, or stopping to see if i'm fine. I brought it up once and he was like 'oh shit sorry'. He hasn't done anything like that since, but i'm like whatever. I'm still showing up in your bed, right? It's like I don't think he's even that great, but that's what makes the sex so awesome. He knows I don't really care for him past fucking, and i'm clearly not attracted to him either. . .but is this self harm?
Guy #3 just never asked me shit about myself, which honestly, didn't really bother me at first. If you're looking to get off quick with a fuck from me, i'm doing the exact same. He was just really weird and immediately noticed when I turned my read receipts off on Tinder. I just noticed that on that app it was still on, and I don't like having them on for reasons. He badgered me about it, before realizing he probably was coming off as Red Flag Weird. Then he just always talked about himself and when I tried to expressed my own views and opinions, he barely ever acknowlegded what I said. He just started to be like "oh I have a lot of complex feelings about sex, i've only been with pillow princesses who made me feel bad, haven't had sex in two years, my girlfriend has ptsd" suddenly and I was like o.k. this is TOO much for me. I wonder if anyone enjoys reading my wildly personal sex entries. They're not even like details about actual sex I've had. Just my complaints, which is honestly sooo on brand for me. I haven't hooked up in a few months, but my period is almost 2 weeks late right now. Lowkey shitting myself. All my sex is safe but I can't think of another reason why i'd be THIS late. Praying it's just my body being funky and I don't have to get a pregnancy test.
Besides these shitty hookups, right now there is one person i'm genuinely crushing on. Unfortunately, that person is my best friend! Shit, why can't I be more normal. I've been considering asking him out for nearly a whole year, but it's kinda messy. Right now, i'm in a relationship (??) with this dude. When we first started dating, I thought I was def bisexual, now i'm just leading him on. I feel awful, but we've been together for almost a year, and we've both put so much effort into our relationship. He's been through so much, I supported him through a whole 7-month heart failure process, like deadass, 90% of our relationship was online because he was deadly sick in hospital. I couldn't break up with him then, I couldn't just leave him like that. Now I don't really have an excuse :/. On Valentines day, he called me his angel. He means a lot to me, but I feel gross whenever we kiss, or talk, or literally anything. I can't keep treating him like this when he deserves better man.
ANYWAY, this person, i'm actually crazy over him. A few days ago I asked him to come to the mall with me, and he was like "ok, why?" and I was like "I just need to buy some shit dude, and I don't want to go alone" (TOTAL LIE), and he was like "what do you need to buy?" and he kept PUSHING AND PUSHINGG like boy NOTHING!! I don't want to buy anything, I just want an excuse to ask you out, and he was like "you don't actually want to buy anything, you just want an excuse to ask me out, don't you?". He read me like a book. I was swaying my arms and smiling under my mask and twirling my hair and giggling like a little schoolgirl the whole walk home (not really). We've done so much subtle romantic shit together, but I still can't tell if he's actually into me, and i'm too much of a pussy to make a SERIOUS move. I really, really want to. I just don't know if i'm good enough, because if he likes me back, I want it to be serious. No shitty quickies and pussyfooting around emotions, I actually really love him (this is the part where you gag). Well. I don't know. Even if I had the courage, I don't know how to tell him. Do I just text him like, "hey, i'm madly in love with you" or do I leave a trail of roses that leads to a candle lit dinner and we have a fancy butler, or do I slip a cut-and-paste ransom note into his bag at school that signs off from a secret admirer, or.. i'm totally hopeless. All of this and i'm still shitty at actual romance. I think it's because he's one of the first people i've actually loved, so i'm like, super intimated. I don't want to mess up, so i'm taking it very... very... very... very... very... very slow.