Jan 29, 2022 | 21:35
im babysitting rn and i just made coffe with a whole bar of chcoclate and cocoa apowder its making me feel fat asf but itsso damn good so idec like is this a new invention should i copyright it omg its soauauau good ik its gonna make me throw up girl i ate so much chococlate today TWO DONUST byeyw aheetef i have so may things to tlel u but im so in this coffe rn
Jan 28, 2022 | 15:58
rapid fire update. got home from school. showered then straightened my hair. did chores. now i am re-watching bo burnham's inside. going out with my boyfriend tomorrow. i am a lesbian. going to aoifes birthday party on sunday. i have no clothes. we are going ice skating. i will be buying clothes later. a lot of things have happened. it's only the first month of the year. what the fuck. ok that's all the time i have bye. elaboration update later.. if i remember. thank you
Jan 20, 2022 | 14:51
hi. it's not often that i'd have a rapid succession of experiences of religion- however that may be defined in a very, very, very, VERY broad range of experiences, but when i do have small bouts of religion, it's in the overlookable things. the first time i learned how to peel a tangerine and jotting down whatever pops into your mind in the late hours, with no one but you and the moon. listening to music that makes your heart burst at the seams like a too-small coat buttoned all the way up. basically, i don't think god is a person you meet directly in your prayers but rather in the curation of experiences that leave your whole body humming. maybe we should leave it at that i think. idk. i've been thinking about religion a lot.
but right now, my life is simple. i bought make-up for the first time. i wore it. i still don't feel very pretty, but it makes me feel normal. my mom is very confusing. i watched the ladybird last night, now i've been thinking much about her. today she shouted at me after i took a day off of school because of my period, and i cried. and she hates it when i cry. and i hate it when she gets mad. but it's just how we express ourselves. and i don't think we will ever understand each other. when she talks about her childhood, it makes me sad. she came out blue and silent. not breathing and barely alive. her whole life, i think she's been comepnsating for that beginning of hers. now, she's all red. all blood and quick licks of flame. wailing in misery, screaming in pride. i grew up watching her burn herself from the inside out. i became a woman under the warmth of her fire, i wanted to burn just like her. heaven knows my hands are scorched now. GOD! when i was super young.. i remember her comments about my body. so skinny and thin and look, you can fit your whole hand around your wrists, that's not normal. look at that clothing store, so many girls would kill to be able to fit into all those clothes, but i bet you could easily. it's a shame you don't dress like a girl, you'd be perfect. i wish she would stop projecting her insecurities onto me. i've been gaining more weight recently. it makes me feel disgusting. i was only ever praised for how thin i was. now i have nothing. for christmas, someone bought me a chocolate hamper, and i cried into my pillow.
what else? i haven't uploaded to here for the past few weeks because i've just been generally confused. me and ems friends are getting along very well. we called for a few hours, and they are funny. my best friend is confusing me a lot. i really do love her. if i ever find out how to put her into words, she will be the most beautiful thing i ever write. oh.. and i've been sending messages to this blog on tumblr. we've messaged back and forth a few times, and today they randomly posted "you are the sweetest and your kindness means so much to me. heart you! i must spread the love … they are very sweet" and it made me happy. i love making people happy. i've been talking to a lot of people more recently. me and this boy in my class are getting close. we've had this on going joke that we're "best friends" when we aren't, so taking him seriously is hard, but today we were walking to my art class together, which never happens, and there was a crowd blocking the hallway, and i just froze up like.. um.. let's wait for them to move, but he just grabbed my shoulders and said "EXCUSE ME" and pushed me infront of him through the crowd. it made me laugh a lot. i wish i had that confidence. he's very popular, and i'm.. idk. i used to be very popular in primary school, now i'm just a girl in your class. some random girl who's a bit too sensitive, but i'm sure she's nice. being 14 was the worst thing to happen to me, i think. if i just turned from 13 to 15 i would still be popular.
Jan 05, 2022 | 17:54
so fckn embarrassed. em introduced me to their crush n her crushes friend and they were both 'fighting over me' (e's words, not mine) in the chat we were added 2. their crush even wrote our usernames in their homework which was funny.
all of this would be a fun joke to me but e was sweating jealousy so i told them 'she's just messing with me bae you still have a chance!' and ten minutes later i was totally proven wrong. ems confessed to her and *drum roll* she rejected themmmm... double awkward. this girl wants to play a video game with me tomorrow aswell.. and i accepted, so i guess i'm a double bad person? siiigh. if only i wasn't such a heart throb. (joke)
other than that, a good day. finished watching 'the notebook' at like 2am and sobbed into my pilow the whole time. yeah, okay, in retrospect, noah is a total mf creep. but i need a man like that. if he's not willing to throw himself off a ferris wheel to date me.. what's the point!?
Jan 01, 2022 | 12:57
2021 lasted 5 seconds and those 5 seconds lasted 20 years
well... it could have been worse! my first thought was "it sucked ass," but doesn't every year? it's an unfair assessment! when so many things can happen in 365 days— so many bad things ranging from mildly annoying to downright catastrophic— it's a given that the final assessment is "sucky" in big red letters!! so let's look on the bright side for a little bit.
it was a bad one for many people, probably the worst. if the 2010's were a torrent of shit blasting into the drain without reprieve, then i'm sure many would describe 2020 as a realisation that the toilet is clogged, the water is rising, oh no— you're ankle deep in shit, now!— but someone bought all the plungers to resell them for a higher price on Amazon.
 Seeing things clearly
2021 has taught me a lot about myself. people haven't changed. culture hasn't changed. i certainly haven't changed. all the same things that annoyed me before would only annoy me again. but i feel like my life is only starting. i think i'm finally discovering myself. this whole year was dedicated to self reflection, i think. i thought i'd die young and angry, but i'm getting used to the idea of a long life.
i met lots of different people with ideas i was unused to. i found new hobbies and new perspectives. i tried out new hairstyles. i'm sitting my first state exam (if covid allows). i had my first kiss. i'm in love. though i'm troubled by much of the same things as before, maybe i've matured, at least a bit. a lot of things that confused me before now have explanations. i have a bank account and a housekey and a wallet with money in it. i smoked. i had my first drink, and then several more, and i discovered i like alcohol so much that the vomiting doesn't trouble me.
so, for my new years resolution, i think i would like to focus on building myself. i'm going to spend my birthday money on brand new clothes, i'm going to try makeup, and just keep throwing pasta at the wall until i feel good again. maybe my true self is a bland irish girl who enjoys getting drunk, who cares! three cheers for, mediocrity! yay, yay, yay! complacency! jk.
my main problem with my lack of identity is gender. why did no one warn me when i was 10 how isolating being queer was!? because hOly fuCKKK. i think i'm only a girl because i'm a teenage girl. like the only way that i like being a girl is pretending i'm regina george and buying pretty pink things and gossiping and talking about boys. once i turn 20, the appeal will be gone and i'll just be whatever else i wish to be. maybe girl adjacent, but never truly a girl again, and nobody else can see me as a girl, unless i specify teenage girl, otherwise, it's completely untrue, so basically, i'm not a girl, just adjacent. i've felt masculine my whole life and conformed to it, but i really do not want to be a man EVER. i'm just a girl who takes up too much space, a loud ugly girl, a girl that's tried to shrink so many times but i'm still just a girl playing as a woman.
i've also lost touch with a lot of people due to covid, probably the worst part of 2021. i really miss wonu and stephanie. worst part of losing relationships is going from knowing everything about them to nothing. i think about you on your birthday. i know your dreams and wonder if you have achieved any of them. i've gone from having so many memories of you to watching you make entirely new ones on your own while i wake up with things i still want to ask you. play for me then leave me to make sense of your music.
but i've also met many great, new people. i hope the best for everyone i've met online and to my best friends.
Hopes for the Future
they're redoing my street, digging up the existing ground and paving it over smooth and dark. the road i grew up on was a softened grey, bleached by the sun, with black veins of tar mending the asphalt. as a little girl, it became a game to me, seeing how long i could keep my hands in the melted tar, burning my palms raw. i would walk those breaks for hours, learning their pattern all summer long. but now i'm older and i wear shoes and the whole block has become an obsidian ocean. and there are no cracks for kids to memorize, and no kids to memorize them, even if they were there. i just have to wait for the next generation of chalk and training wheels to fill the neighbourhood. i'm sure this new pavement will lose it's pigment, too. and will have cracked into its own beautiful pattern. entirely different from the one that used to burn my young scratched hands. cheers to 2022, and to growing up.
skimming this entry now, i actually have no idea what i wanted to say when i began writing or where the hell i'm going with it now. i had the urge to scrap it and try again but— what did i just say?! it doesn't have to be good. nothing in the world has to be good. i'll continue to be complete crap, happily, gleefully. that's what i hope for. a year of mistakes and growth.
My favourite memories of 2021
riding a skateboard on my butt
my uncle explaining the entirety of one piece to me at 2am
tripping over a tree root and flying over the handle bars and bruising my ribs
a girl hitting on me and giving me her hat when i was cold
sharing celebrity crushes with my sister (we both agreeed on loving zendaya)
falling down a hill with my boyfriend
a stranger on omegle giving me a pep talk
sitting in a stairway with my cousins and laughing until we couldn't breathe
reading american psycho and feeling ill after it
setting off sparklers in a field during lunch break with my best friend
beating my boyfriends ass at every game in an arcade
a director of low-budget slasher films following me on letterboxd
getting an electric guitar
annotating a book my best friend recommened to me at the charity shop
dancing with drunk girls way older than me at a new years party
my mom buying me a mitski poster
climbing through a gate into a forest with my sister
watching howls moving castle
my teacher telling me she listens to lana del rey
shaving my best friends head on my friends kitchen floor with a razor i stole from my dad (i did a terrible job)
^ spending hours of the morning looking for an outlet in a public bathroom to power the razor, only for me to accidentally hit the switch and find out that it's battery powered
binging carmilla with all my friends online during quarantine
every one wishing me a happy birthday
halloween party
kissing my boyfriend for the first time in a public park after being on a ferris wheel with him
the revival of spider man movies
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